Candle of Preparation

I would like to start this post by making two notes: First, I have an update about where we are in our process, and I will share that in a second post. Second, I do not spend my days being a raw nerve about my adoption journey.  I am normally a very happy well-balanced individual.  So as you read this post, try to keep that in mind.

Last Sunday, I headed to church in the best of spirits.  It had been awhile since we had attended due to injury and illness.  Worship started.  Things were going well.  Then it happened. Buh buh bummmmmm. It was time to light the Advent Wreath.  Typically this would be a pretty benign and lovely event.  A tradition I love from my church of origin.  Our pastor began to talk about the Candle of Preparation (as that was the week we were on) and what it meant to be waiting for something.  In this case, waiting for the Messiah.  Then the pastor invited a family whose 3.5 year adoption journey only ended a few months ago. My husband grabbed my hand, knowing this could be a rough moment for me.   As they spoke of waiting and how the hurt melts away at the end of this long journey, my eyes betrayed me again, exposing my inner fears.  I am a trauma therapist. My job on a daily basis is to not cry at things that would make others weep, but there I was in the pew again, a puddle of tears.

Sitting in the uncertainty of what was to come had become overwhelming.  It was the nine days after a month of waiting to find out if we would be switching programs, starting from scratch, etc. There was still no word.  The not knowing kills me.  And so, I was prayer bombed again.  This time by a different friend.  (At this point I am imagining it is pretty obvious that I need some prayer).  I feel so blessed to be a part of church family that responds to God's prompting.  I needed to hear from Him again.

Her prayer spoke to my heart in so many ways.  But the moment that I remember the most a week later was this.  "The Lord wants you to know He loves you".  A phrase she repeated to my heart over and over again.  I know this to be true in my mind, but I had lost the fullness of it somehow.  It is easier for me to remember that the Lord loves my Rosebud, the families I work with, my friends, my husband.  It felt so incredible to be pursued by His love and reminded of who it is I am in relationship with.  A God who can love me even when my faith in His promise for my life is faltering.  Her prayer of comfort soothed me, and helped me see that this plowing will bring a harvest.

But WHEN will the harvest come?  That has been my struggle.  I have a plan.  I want more than two children. I'll have to go through fertility treatments or another adoption if we are to have a larger family.  And that is where I am, with these types of things running through my head. The waiting was not causing as much struggle as the complications from waiting.  It was MESSING with MY plan!  I have realized that I have trusted the Lord with many things in this journey, but I had not surrendered my family to him. My plans for the number of children I will have or the age Rosebud or I or my husband will be when I have more children has always been outside of my control, but that never stopped me from trying to control it. 

So, at the end of Sunday, I sat with these truths.... The Lord LOVES me, and even thought I don't deserve it, He tries to prove it to me over and over again.  And, He can design and create; graft and grow my family better than I can.  So, my children may not be the optimal years apart, and maybe I will have more or fewer children than I imagined, but God's got this.  I just have to let go. He was holding my family this whole time, and my pulling for my way only made me exhausted.  I guess I'm still learning to rest in Him.