A new kind of wait

Forgive this and my previous posts. I am writing from my cell phone, so editing is even worse than usual.

I have been trying to figure out how to express the feelings I have in this new section of waiting, but the feelings only make sense in the context of my thoughts, so let me explain what that is like in a day:
(Imagine me Driving my car or doing some other normal activity. Something randomly sparks a thought of M)

I have a son! Yes! I have a son. That is crazy it has finally happened. What is he like? When will we meet him? WHEN!?!?!? Oh crap, I need to go get him. "Dear Jesus, please make this happen quickly." M is growing up in an orphanage. I need to go get him so he can begin bonding and forming resilience. Oh, but don't be so worried. He is in such a lovely orphanage. I feel confident he is loved. Whew I am thankful for that. BUT what if this takes a long time? What of the US state dept is confused about The Hague? How long will Lesotho take to get a court date? How long will my baby grow up without me? Ah, but The Lord has provided for M he will continue. "thank you Jesus!". I wonder what he looks like!?!? I have a son! That is crazy!


So this is a pretty rapid cycle of what my brain goes through on a fairly regular basis. Joy turns into longing incredibly quickly and then back. I am gifted in worrying and so cycles can include financial worries, work worries, travel worries, Rosebud worries. In fact as I am writing this, I am feeling a little convicted about not giving this all to The Lord . What am I gaining from this? I guess just feeling like worrying is doing something as I wait for my son, in a time that there is not much that I can do :( Well, actually There is plenty to do. I have a grant to apply for. A passport for Rosebud to obtain. And other similar tasks.

I have started some fun things. I have enjoyed reading about parenting. I have started Pinning nursery ideas on Pinterest. I have mentally rearranged our house to accommodate our member. But I guess part of me is still hesitant. I believe we will united with our son, but mostly I worry about the when.

Bam. That is the truth of where I am. Missing M and loving him already.


As I use this blog for my own kind of therapeutic intervention, I am attaching a pic of a verse sent to me while I waited for a matching meeting. It is clear I still need it now :)