My Turn

An introduction of me.  Hmmm where to start.  (Having started writing this, I wanted to come back to the top and state the obvious in that this introduction has been harder to write than the other two.) You've already been introduced to my two most important people. My occupation is therapist, and I work specifically with kids and their families who have had particularly difficult experiences. I find myself to be quite funny, and so I tend to handle uncomfortable situations with attempted humor.  I interrupt people.  I am quite a mess and my organizational skills are unnaturally bad and something I have to work on over my entire lifetime.  I love people. I love trying to figure out their motivations, their internal experiences, their stories, etc. I love animals. I thought I would grow up to be a vet when I was little, and then I worked at the zoo for a summer and changed my mind. I get energy from being with my friends and I HATE to stay at home on the weekend.  I like to be an open book and share my thoughts and experiences in hopes that others can find what I say at least relatable if not encouraging. I have some very close friends, whom I have known almost my entire childhood.  I hang out with my parents and siblings ALOT.  I want to be a parent that enriches every moment of my child's existence, but sometimes I'm the tired mom at the end of the day that allows Rosebud to watch Bubble Guppies (a cartoon show) on our DVR for the 43rd time.  I love Jesus, but to know me is to know that I am a sinner. I love to sing and dance with my family.  We sing to musicals in the car, and Rosebud announces to us when it is our turn. There are many things that I want to be that I am not: graceful, calm, elegant.  But because those goals were unattainable I tried to just be comfortable and genuine, even if that means I am sometimes awkward and loud.

I think that about sums it up. Here is pic of me and the fam on a hayride earlier this fall.

Rosebud's Daddy-More introductions

I'm not one of those people who is particularly mushy.  I don't sent romantic notes to my husband via facebook or talk about how great he is too all my friends.  In fact, on our anniversary, we each posted funny/sarcastic posts about our six years as husband and wife.  But, there is so much to Rosebud's daddy, Michael, that any attempt to briefly describe him would surely leave out something important. Be warned, this post is a little lovey dovey.

There are the things Michael's acquaintances know about him, that he loves basketball, baseball, and football.  That his occupation is electrical engineering.  That he is slow to warm up in a crowd but is quite funny under his breath.  There are the things that his friends know.  That he is caring and loyal.  He enjoys making people laugh and he likes to grill and cook for people. That his work is important for him, but that he does it for his family.   Then there are the things that his inner circle know.  Michael can appear on the outside to be so relaxed that he somehow isn't observing all of life.  Michael often shocks me with his insight of the people and relationships around us.  Michael is easy going but he is also particular.  He serves his family even if it means breaking traditional gender-roles.  He cooks our dinner, does our laundry, etc. Mike is even-tempered.  He likes to stay at home. He is a bit of a video game lover.  Oh, and he loves to golf.  Can't believe I almost forgot that hobby.

I always tease Mike, and tell him I am a kite and he is my string, but I would be lost without my string. I have the tendency to FREAK OUT, and there he is, calm and faithful, lovingly settling me back down.  He reminds me our Father has got things under control Michael is my blessing.  He is consistent, but surprising.  When I've had a particularly rough work day, I can come home to find that he has cleaned the whole house (with a large breed dog, two cats, and a toddler, it can get out of control VERY quickly)or cooked dinner.  We spend endless amounts of time with my family, and he loves them as his own.  His own family has also been my blessing, and I could not have asked for nor would I have expected such lovely family to enter my life.  I cherish Rosebud's daddy.  A wonderful father.  A fantastic husband. I am very proud to be his wife.

(This is from when Rosebud was younger, but it is one of my favorites.) 

Who is Rosebud?

So many of my posts are spiritual, and while that is a part of who I am, those who don't know me might think of me differently than I really am, based on this blog.  Our family is silly.  My conversations with my friends and co-workers do not usually sound philosophical and they are often about the silly things we've seen on television or funny stories about our families.  I dislike the idea that I may be unintentionally portraying myself and my family to be something we aren't.  This adoption journey has definitely  been spiritual, but I want my posts to reflect the silliness of who we are. I would like my adopting friends in Canada and the Netherlands to also know a more full and genuine idea of who we are.  I've decided to highlight each of us :)

So, I've decide to introduce you all to my family.  I am going to start with Rosebud.  She turned three this month, and she keeps us all on our toes.

Rosebud is feisty.  She loves to joke and tease. When she first meets people, she is really shy.  She buries her head in my chest and peeks out from under her curly hair.  Once she warms up,  she quickly finds a stage and shows off her dancing and singing skills.  She loves bossing people around and she has a growing sense of humor.  She is stubborn, sensitive, ornery, and sweet.  She has a preference about EVERYTHING and she is the girliest girl i would have ever imagined having.  She loves to help her dad cook and watches football with him.  She loves to snuggle with me and delay bedtime in anyway she can think of :)

We still have some time to wait until we find out in what ways our adoption story may unfold.  I thought this might be a fun way to spend that time :)

The Crying Girl in the Second Row

Approaching our church building this morning, it hit me how sad I have been about the latest road bump in the adoption journey.  Repeating to myself "God has a plan; there is a plan, remember the plan" had not allowed me time to feel.  I had previously gotten wrapped up with the cerebral, and as often happens in moments  I am encountering the Lord, I began to connect with my heart. 

In writing this post, I guess I am hoping to normalize the less obvious losses that those of us waiting parents are likely to encounter.  I also want to share my experience of comfort and caring. 

This weekend has been wonderful. I spent time with my beautiful family and cherished friends. I ran with my two healthy legs and slept in a large cushy bed. Know that I am thankful and aware of my good fortune.  I  met up with friends this weekend who are pregnant with their second child and spoke with a another dear friend about when she will start planning for her second pregnancy.  And on the way to church, it hit me.  Even though I started 1.5 years ago on this journey, they will know their children before I know my son. 

It is difficult to explain this loss.  There is no death, no separation to speak of, no referral of a child that went on to fall through, just an expectation.  A hope.  And while I still feel hope, I have lost.  Lost what? I'm not sure.  I still believe God has a son for our family, and I still believe that God's timing will prove better than mine. So what have I lost? Time with my son? The feeling of progress? I don't know.  All I know is that I feel it, and it is real to me. 

So during worship this morning, I simply said to the Lord "I'm hurting", and with this admission, my tear ducts became overly active as I let the pain of our latest adoption set back settle and be experienced.  And as I often do when I am hurting, I got a little obstinate with Him. I began to say (in not quite so insistent wording) that I needed Him to comfort me, why hadn't He sent someone? I surprised myself in this conversation with the Lord. I was also surprised at the tears. What happened next was unexpected.  Just moments after , I  was prayer-bombed.  This is what I have decided to lovingly call what happened.  A lovely  mother and daughter from our church approached me where I sat and the daughter said "I don't know why I'm supposed to pray for you, but the Lord sent me over to you." And they proceeded to pray words of comfort over me, hug on me, and love me.  (I cried more of course :) ).  And I cry now as I think of what a defiant immature child of God I am, and even in my pouting and irritability, he sent me what I had asked for. 


I did some more chatting with God this afternoon, and wondered aloud in my time with Him about what I knew and understood about His nature.  My brain first went to the New Testament.  The NT describes a God I feel more familiar and/or comfortable with. Then, I thought about the Old Testament.  I thought about a sermon I heard when I was visiting First Pres., here in Tulsa.  Dr. Miller spoke of Heman in 1Chronicles 6 and described how his story unfolded.  And what I captured from that sermon was that the scope of God's plan is so much greater than what we can experience in this one piece of the puzzle that we live in.  That His nature is so complex as to provide for the girl crying in the pew and to pull back and also orchestrate on a plane that I can't even imagine. One which moves through generations and provides for His people. 

God is bigger than this moment.  He can heal my pain and he can help me wait on His timing.  For those of you waiting for your little ones, I'm so sorry that it can be painful.  I just keep thinking that there is a little boy and his mommy out there that need me to tough this out.  And for those of you that have friends that are adopting, just know that the journey is riddled with surprise hurts.  Thank you for hearing God's leading, and for comforting the crying girl in the second row.

Movement and change

Dear friends and family,

I am needing some prayers. First, please continue to pray for the children and families that are impacted by poverty, illness, and hunger that contribute to the abandonment of children. What a scary situation to be in and what deep sadness it must be to realize one of these factors may lead to you having to leave your children. I want to note these very real very serious things because the rest of my post today is very self-absorbed, and I wanted to give it some perspective.  My life is pretty fantastic, and even though I have some prayer requests, I want to hold onto the families that are experiencing so much more need than I.

  I read today on the PEAR blog (http://pear-now.blogspot.com/) that Lesotho is becoming a Hague Convention nation, which is a set of policies intended to safeguard orphans around the world. I am hopeful that this means good things for the children of Lesotho.  What this means for our adoption journey is still to be discovered.   Best case scenario, we will have to regroup and regather information to make appropriate adjustments to become compliant with Hague, which means more waiting and more work. Worst case kind of spirals from there.  I have hope for us, but know that international adoption is a fickle thing.  With all the changes being made within the social welfare department in Lesotho, it appears that the next matching meeting will occur sometime in early 2013.  I am still hoping our family will be considered at that time. I think I will keep hoping that until our time comes :)

Here is why I am asking for prayer: there are a few uncertainties with this change. I don't deal we'll with uncertainties; they freak me out.  I'm going to need the Lord to provide me with supernatural peace. In the last couple of hours after finding out this information, I have already plotted out at least three separate possible options, accounting for the different outcomes I can imagine. I could drive myself mad doing this.  (My husband on the other hand, cool as a cucumber.  Totally able to wait until we hear word about decisions before beginning to stress/plan.)

So that is one prayer: peace. The other is strength and endurance.  My last post was so hopeful, and I still feel some excitement that there is movement.  However, finding out that movement might mean I am moving further away from meeting my son has been a bit deflating. Waiting can be really exhausting, and I am starting to feel tired.  Adding to that the amount of paperwork that is inevitably in my future, I am definitely feeling that I'm going to need a power boost.

Adoption may be a fickle thing, but my Lord is not.  I believe that we are following Him through this journey. November can be a restful month.  There are no actions I can take to change things or anything I can do to speed the process.  I would like to use the month to find reassurance and calm and not let it become a month where I spend time stricken with anxiety.

I thank you all for following our story and for keeping us in your prayers.

Yours truly,

TG